In a year like no other, immigrant women of all walks of life reflect on the ever-changing meaning of home and belonging.
Introducing Real People. Real Lives and Ariana
Hello! Welcome to the podcast Real People. Real Lives. Women Immigrants of New York, a storytelling project from New Women New Yorkers.
Real People. Real Lives highlights a diverse picture of immigrant women living in the city. It elevates these narratives, moving beyond statistics and political rhetoric.
In the Summer and Fall of 2020, we interviewed immigrant women from all walks of life. They were selected through an open call or reached out directly, to ensure the participation of women from different backgrounds, and affected by the pandemic in various ways.
The participants talked about their immigrant experience within the backdrop of a year like no other – marked by the pandemic, Black Lives Matter and the presidential election. Each story you will hear is a unique mix of determination, hope, challenges, and victories – small and big.
Today, meet Ariana, a stay-at-home mom from Mexico. Brought to the US by her mother as a baby, she was raised in Brooklyn. A die-hard New Yorker, Ariana lives trapped between two different cultures. She attributes to the city her boundless strength and resilience. Yet, she dreams of Mexico and what life would be like had her mother stayed there.
Coming to the US
I was six months old, I was in my mom’s arms so my story is really what my mom tells me. My mom was already here because of my family, we have aunts and uncles who were already residing in New York, I don’t know why she went back to Mexico… but she went back to Mexico, get pregnant and she had me there. She realizes that she did not want to stay in Mexico so she crosses the border, when she crosses the border the border patrol actually stopped her. Those who were helping her, had me already on U.S. territory and my mom was still in Mexico side because my mom knew, she was telling these people, I want my daughter, I need my daughter, if I don’t have my daughter I am going to talk. My mom said that within like seconds they threw me over, she actually threw me over because I was on the other side, and she says she caught me luckily she caught me from my legs, she caught me. She was locked up for 2 days she said, she lost all here stuff, she lost my diaper bag and she lost all, everything. So while she was in there there was another lady that had her baby and she breastfed me because I was hungry. I didn’t eat anything and then someone came around with some milk so she was able to feed me. She said that after the second day she came out, she went right back to the border and she tried again and that destiny crossed that was someone she knew that brought her on this side. And we’ve been here for thirty years now.
She tells me there was a van, she has to go on a van, we had to squeak in, she said that I was a very quiet baby, she says I didn’t cry so that the people was very amazed that I was a very quiet baby, that group that she was with, so everyone was like you know we are willing to help, if she would get tired carry me on her laps because they have to sit in a certain position they couldn’t move, it was a lot of them she would be all the way on top or in the front because of me cause I was the only baby. And everyone else was adults. So I love when she tells me this stuff because this is part of me that I have to go through to actually come here and be here and have the opportunity that I have now.
My mom is from Guerrero, she is from a small pueblo in Guerrero. It’s been thirty years that she is been out there. She was living in la ciudad, the city for a while, before she came to New York. She’s very thankful for New York that has also shaped her to be the person that is, the strong person also survivor. My mom has also gone through a lot here in the city, went through a lot in the city, not knowing anyone, and choosing to do it by herself also. I’m so thankful that my mom chose that she did what she did when she did.
I never really actually shared that story with no one growing up because I didn’t know it. She told me this when I was about 13 or 14 and then wanting to fit in with everyone else here, I wasn’t in a shame but I just never really shared it and then that up until 18,19 I can’t be in denial. I was born in Mexico and this is exactly what happened cause is what my mom tells me that we got caught and she tried again and now we are here so I think the fact that she didn’t give up the first time that we got caught and tried it again right away gives me that energy, that fierceness to just keep going.
Now everything it’s so much dangerous, especially because of the time we are in. When they were detaining kids, they were taking the kids, from the border they were taking the kid away. That hurt me because that didn’t happen to my mom. My mom was still able to raise me, enjoy and all, didn’t have to go through what all these people are going through now. And It broke me.
Because of my story, I can’t be quiet (because i am an immigrant and) I can’t vote, so I protest, I march and I organize, I try to organize, I was also within an organization … that is all female organization and they dedicate to help being in the communities, that’s my way of putting my doing what I have to do because like as I said I can’t vote but I’m going to be part of that change, I am going try to educate those I can and help the community. More than anything I think one thing in New York City where what we lack in is in community, community outreach, community actually coming together and making the difference because we are waiting on who… no one is going to come and help us.
Politically, my views, I feel like, I’m sorry, but it’s all shit show. I don’t think that any party is doing anything for us. I think it’s just benefiting them and the government and the CBN all the states, you know, is not for the people. And that when I realized, with the George Floyd and the riots and everyone coming together. But you see, that’s a different culture: African-American people and community came together. They did something, they actually made their voice heard. All of them actually felt that pain. Because when something happens here we don’t care if it is culturally, hispanic or latino, whatever you know, we don’t care, I remember I was trying to protest for a little girl who got run over by a car. Because the lady who was driving knew somebody in the police force she got a way with it, she wasn’t charged, where is the anger there, this is a little girl, this is….She was Mexican. Why did we not come together, why did we not do something, and then you want be mad because other people did have the guts to actually go out there and destroy, and demand justice. This way I feel like I need to do so much I need to educate, I need to bring together, I need to help. There’s so much to be done.
I don’t have anything, I don’t have DACA, I’m not a Dreamer, I don’t have permission to work cause I work under the books, I work just for cash. Recently I haven’t even been working. I think due to my circumstances i couldn’t I was struggling, I was with the kids.
Because I wasn’t born here, I always, I grew up wanting to be in Mexico, I wanted to grow up in Mexico. I still do say I’m going to be able to visit, and see and enjoy my home. I really don’t think this is my home. My home is Mexico, that’s where I was born, where my mom, all my ancestors, my bloodline comes from. I’m like… In the future I’ll be there [laughs]
Finding a voice
I didn’t know English, so I remember I would get ESL, English as a Second Language. It was very hard for me because I was bullied in my first or second year, I think because also because of that, I naturally was a very quiet person, like what my mom said as a baby I was very quiet so even as a young child I was very timid school-wise. I couldn’t identify with myself because we are not talking about any other cultures, other cultures are not recognized, we are just being taught by the book and what the book wants us to know and what is going on on the test.
I am actually get more involved in who I was is now, now as an adult, now realizing me been a teenager growing up especially in New York City cause there is so much culture. It’s awesome, that’s why now I have to, I represent who I am to the fullest because I don’t think I did as much when I was growing up, there were very few Mexicans. One of my classmates said “oh clean the table and I will give you a green card:. So that triggered me but no one knew growing up, I never told anyone I was born in Mexico, everyone assumed that I was born in New York, I didn’t clarify either. That’s how i lost my identity. I was raised in New York, so I say I’m a Mexicana, I was born in Mexico, but growing up in New York, I lost my identity, I lost who I truly was because I wanted to fit in, because I wanted to be cool, I wanted people to talk to me, I didn’t want to be left out. I speak Spanish very well cause my mom doesn’t speak English, so that’s one thing probably that, if my mom speaks English I would lose my Spanish, my language, even though that originally is not my language, that’s something that defines me.
When I hit a certain age, I started questioning a lot of things. A status doesn’t define what we can do in New York or anywhere that we are. it’s all about will, being an immigrant hasn’t stopped me from being involved in my community, hasn’t stopped me from being involved in my kids school, it hasn’t stopped me from voicing my voice, because I know my rights. So this is why I like to do what I do. About three years ago, when ICE was out here raiding, I was out in the community giving out “know your rights” cards too the immigrant community…anything happen if you are scared, listen, give this to them or listen we have rights. That’s the problem, as immigrant community, we are not as informed as we should be. I am lying, most people who care obviously, those who involved they have the information but then you have population where they are just home working and watching tv, dedicating to taking care their kids and cooking and cleaning just what you see on tv and that’s not very informative. The news and the radio and newspaper won’t tell us our rights, they won’t tell us how to defend ourselves.
The school gave me the opportunity to be involved, so I’m the secretary for the parent’s association, my sister is the president of the parent association. We host school events for the kids. We do bake sales. We were always volunteering in the school, and thanks to that, I am a conselour member. I sit on the CEC for district 14. I am also the secretary, and this is a way of me staying involved in the community and bring that awareness, so, like, my mom’s situation, she doesn’t speak English, so everything was harder for her, and then it was put on me because now I have to translate and I have to explain everything to her. I only understood the level that I was at so this is how i’m trying to change from my input. My mom went through this, I’m sure there are a lot of moms going through this, that are still going through this. Communities that have been left out, immigrant community members have always been left out. Everything was always in English, I like to bring that awareness: let’s not forget about those who don’t speak the language, maybe those who don’t even speak Spanish or English, how we help those, how are we going to communicate with those families. I like to be involved, I like to be part of that change, there are a million ways to do it. I want to be able to, like I said, not just for myself, I want to be able to uplift the whole immigrant community.
Sharing to heal
I’ve been here for thirty years, I’ve heard different stories, from different people. It makes me think: wow, I used to think that my life was bad. My mom suffered because of what I have been through. But other people have been through worse, and gotten out from worse so that’s why I admire most of about the city, that everyone has a story to tell, this is I start to talking more about who I am what has happened how I live my life we all have story to tell.
My stepfather would molest me, he did rape me, it happened. It took a long time of my life actually process it, because obviously growing up is something bad so then, I have blocked that for a very long time. I wouldn’t think about it, then there was a moment where a friend of mine said something and it brought everything back. I didn’t understand what she was talking about. I wouldn’t say this is a long time ago, this was about 8 years ago that I actually healed myself I actually did that closure. Understood it was not my fault, it was not my mom’s fault.
My mom didn’t believe it, she didn’t want to believe it so it took a very long time to understand my mom.We don’t agree on a lot of things because like I said she has been through a lot of things. She has her own way of thinking. I can’t take that from her but you are not going to change my way of thinking, and I am going to do as best as I can. Because I understand it, I see things from how everything has happened, my family, growing up everyone was, like, you know, he is the perfect man, he helps you so much, he takes care of those kids and you have a good life. Culturally, It has so much loop with our culture. I remember when I was a little girl we always used to watch this show where they were to show like family cases that the stuffs about the girl been raped and mom doesn’t believe, so that also kind of triggered me to not to want to say anything. If no one is believing no one, why even say anything, that as me growing up but after because I started to be independent when I was 17, 18. I would have my part time and full time jobs, I would help my mom out but I wasn’t in that house anymore. Now when I am 18, 19, I feel like there is something wrong here. I have to be brave, I can not to be in this, this is not what I want, this is not how I want to do things, so as I said: wake up, my mom mentally has lot of things that happen to her as a child because my mom was abandoned, her parents didn’t raise her, she was physically abused, her father used to beat her every time and every chance that he wanted and her mom beat her up so she didn’t get that motherly love. My mom took care of me, my mom fed me, my mom made sure that we were dressed, and she made sure that we are okay, but I didn’t feel that love, like, I don’t recall my mom grabbing me and hugging me, you know, just been affectionate, and it doesn’t hurt me because I know that she didn’t get it so she can’t give that. [cries] It doesn’t bother me to talk about these things, because we have to, I have to talk about these things if I don’t, I am not helping no one, I am not letting no one know that we can get through this together, we can survive. I wanna be able to help and do what I could get, you know, I have to tell my story. I have to say what happened, cause if no one knows, how am I going to heal?
Life in the pandemic
March everything changed for me and my family because kids are no longer in school and it changed drastically but I think for the better because health-wise you have new disease or new virus, coronavirus, so now you are taking care of the kids a little bit more aware, more aware more conscience of a lot of things. I don’t know, I really haven’t watched TV in about four years, like I don’t watch TV at all. I don’t watch the news, I listened to a video once in the blue. But I don’t like to know. I know something is going on but I have 4 kids and i try to keep it as normal, because it’s not, nothing is normal right now, but I try.
It’s a challenge for the kids for parents, I think also, for the teacher just as much challenge to as for the school that has never been done before. So it’s chaotic at times, and just even listening to the teacher like how they are guiding the kids and how they are trying to keep them focused. It’s very hard, it’s very hard, but they have to deal with it. In the morning they know to wake up and login and they have their breaks, it’s just… I think because I have three on remote learning, I have to help at 3 different levels and it’s very energy-consuming because I am not a teacher so I have patience to a certain point, because I know that they can do it, because it’s mom, it’s not a teacher or someone else they are too comfortable and it’s easier for them to not want to do things, and because they are at home it’s much harder for them to focus, it really is, so it is a challenge.
The first month I was not signing them in, I was not involved because the news was very new and fresh the kids were very nervous and my kids, especially, they were concerned, what it was and how it was and just hearing other kids. I guess when they hear other kids, they talk among with each other, so they were saying: oh people are dying. They were concerned so, what I did at first, yes I am being honest with you, at the first 2-3 weeks I was with them. It was just that mommy and kids time, because my kids go to school in Brooklyn I live in the Bronx, so we travel we commute transportation every day, Monday to Friday so that was also very energy-consuming. So those 2-3 weeks I took it to ourselves, for us, and then get organized here at home and also for me to mentally prepare myself for what was coming, not knowing this is going to keep going on and on until the next school year.
Kids know morning time is school time. I try and then I fall a little behind, but I don’t care, my house you know wha. You guys sit down in your area, and then once they are done around 2 o’clock, once they are done with everything, 1 o’clock, that’s when I can start to do my housework, little by little. They help me also. I have done easily, I don’t like to struggle, I don’t like to feel like I can’t do things and or that the things are impossible because that’s not the person that I am, I make it happen. I don’t care how I am going to do it, but I am going to make it happen.
My partner, he had a stable job. Because the pandemic, he had to find something else because they cut his pay because of the pandemic so it wasn’t enough he had to find something better, something that was going to obviously help us through the whole pandemic, but yeah before he decided to step out, like about three four months they had ask him that because the pandemic they have to close they can’t be open. So it’s just about one month, just about recently I want to say just two months ago, he started with a new company. He’s in the food service, so he works in pizzerias, he does pizzas. He wasn’t working for a while, for about 2 to 3 months he wasn’t working and still we made it happen. It was very mentally consuming, because I was like “what are we gonna do?”, “we have to pay bills”, we have to do this just to make it happen. Thankfully he is a person that likes to work, and try to go out there and see what’s available. So right now, thankfully he is back at work, but yea, mentally, I can feel the worry, I can feel just like how we are going to make it and what we we are going to do. It’s reality. I am pretty sure that I am not the only one who is going through this, I am pretty sure that this situation is way more worrying and way more difficult for other people to make it happen. So now we are very thankful for where we are at. Whatever the moment is, whatever we are going through, we have to get through it.
I do find time for myself. I like to draw and I have hobbies. Little things where even if just cooking where I am cooking alone where I don’t want nobody to come into the kitchen. To me that’s my time to be able to just think a little bit, my partner he will take the kids for an hour, 2 hours so I can meditate. It’s not impossible because I always said it, that’s a mom, a woman that’s a mom, mentally needs to take care of herself first.
Closing/Credits
Thank you so much for tuning in to our podcast today. This week’s episode was produced and edited by me, Bruna Shapira, and Arielle Kandel. Sound editing is by Natalia Rolim.
For more information about Real People. Real Lives. and the transcript of this episode, head to nywomenimmigrants.org. Next week, you’ll meet Natalyia, a nurse from Ukraine.
. See you next week!