Dear Younger Self

Fernanda Mamani is a Peruvian marketing professional who has worked in the financial services, news media, and entertainment industries. Her passion for performing arts, and her endless curiosity for new cultures motivated her to learn English at 12 years old without knowing that this would open doors to new opportunities and adventures in NYC and the world.

Dear younger self,

You need to relax. Your muscles are too tight for a fourteen year old kid. To be totally candid, your diplomas and your 1^st place ribbons don’t matter that much. You would even be disappointed to know that those 15 minutes of fame at the end of the school year ceremony don’t make up for all the pressure you had put on yourself. Do you know what type of satisfaction lasts more? The one you get when you do something because you want it.

I don’t mean to scare you, but when you turn fifteen you will somehow die inside in the most unexpected way for your own understanding. It’s during this dark time that you may want to reflect on these questions in front of a mirror:

What if I told you that you are allowed to make mistakes?

What if I told you that you cannot predict and plan for every single action or scenario in the equation of life?

What if I told you that it is fine to disagree with people?

What if I told you that there is no “right” way to achieve your goals?

What if I told you that there is nothing wrong with feeling your emotions?

What if I told you that you can reinvent yourself as many times as you want?

You’ll actually reinvent yourself when you will turn seventeen. After multiple invitations to the theater and countless speeches about how art is essential to developing soft skills, you will successfully convince your father to let you enroll in drama classes while studying for your “well-respected” degree in Business Management. Be prepared because life will get pretty interesting. Rehearsals, choreographies, costumes, makeup, lights, tight body center, voice projection, and acting shows. All these words will become your new vocabulary. For the first time you will not be graded with a letter or a number, for the first time ever, rationality will not be included and subjectivity will challenge your whole self.

This is the moment that I invite you to defy every single idea people may try to convince you to adopt, and to create your own concept of things. Be proudly rebellious. Keep singing, writing, recording, acting, lip syncing, and dancing. Do not let any intrusive thought or comment stop you. You would be surprised at how important this last piece of advice is for when you’ll move to NYC a few years later.

In fact, first you had been thinking of moving to Europe, when a call changed everything. – “Congratulations! You are invited to move to NYC.”

It was definitely not love at first or second sight, but the idea of meeting people from all over the world resolved your doubts. You wanted to know everything. The main cultural differences between countries in Asia. How many dialects are spoken in Kenya? Do French people really dislike Americans? Why do people from the Philippines have Spanish-sounding last names? Are arepas Colombians or Venezuelans?

I won’t fool you, life will get lonely and overwhelming in the greatest city in the world. You will still feel lost for a year, you will be depressed, you will miss your friends, you will change apartments a few times, you will meet new friends, you will have more coffee than ever, you will drink more wine than ever, you will have multiple informational interviews, you will apply for dozens of roles, and you will work in jobs that have no connection with your interests. But in the end, you will get the stability you wanted and the job you were waiting for, you will meet people from all over the world, and you will find the courage to create your happy moments.

Enjoy the journey, little me. I love you.

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Moved by Fernanda’s story? She’s just one of the many voices in our vibrant tapestry of immigrant women storytellers.

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A Heartfelt Thank You: Our ‘Immigrant Women Writing Series – Writing the Self’ initiative is made possible in part with public funds from Creative Learning, supported by the New York State Council on the Arts and administered by LMCC.